The pithy jabs that follow are probably well-deserved if not a little dark for a three-camera sitcom. The line of fire seems to be intentionally aimed somewhere between Sheen and Sheen's character, but it's still a pretty morose way to kick things off. Even Charlie's mom, Evelyn, gives her son the cold shoulder by plugging Charlie's for-sale beachfront home in the middle of the ceremony.
However, the biggest highlight of the episode actually comes during the open house, even before Kutcher makes it on screen. After a brief cameo from John Stamos (a bit of a meta joke, as Stamos was thought to be one of the possible replacements for Sheen on the series), who promptly turns the place down, Evelyn shows the house to Lorre's own original power couple, Dharma and Greg (played by Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson). Dharma and Greg are just as delightful and charming as ever - if a bit more snippy with each other. Unfortunately, the appearance is brief, and their exit marks the end of the fun for the rest of the episode.
One scene later, Kutcher finally enters as lovesick internet billionaire Walden Schmidt who shows up at the house soaking wet after a botched attempt at drowning himself. Alan takes to the handsome hipster immediately, and soon, the new dynamic is set. A few minutes later, and the show easily falls back into its same old schtick, with Alan failing to gel with the ladies and Walden taking Charlie's place as the lovable chick-magnet.
At the end of the episode, Walden decides to buy the house from Evelyn. Part 2 of the season premiere will presumably address how Alan and Jake end up sticking around as well.
It is possible that Kutcher is just the ticket for getting Two and a Half Men back on its feet. On the other hand, in the brief 12 minutes we saw of him so far, Walden hasn't done much other than deliver a few dry quips and a barrage of nudity sight-gags. Hopefully Part 2 will give us a little more insight into what lies ahead.
With so much attention being given to Two and a Half Men this season, we decided to check in on the opinions of a couple more IGN TV writers on the premiere. Max had the most familiarity with the show, but the rest of us were going in more blind...
Second+Opinions
Eric Goldman: I've always known Two and a Half Men wasn't my cup of tea. Before last night, I'd never sat down and watched a full episode, start to finish – certainly not intentionally. But the show's enormous success and its constant running in syndication mean I've seen bits and pieces of it through the years, and always found it grating and obvious in its approach and humor. There have always been several likable and talented cast members on the show, but the writing has consistently felt utterly juvenile to me.So what did I think of the big Ashton Kutcher debut episode? Well, I certainly am not signing onto this series long-term, that's for sure. The opening funeral scene had one hell of an impressive group of returning guest stars – Tricia Helfer! Jeri Ryan! Emmanuelle Vaugier! -- but none of the lines they were given to say were actually funny. Only Martin Mull had me chuckling a bit, because, well, he's Martin Mull and he's awesome. But I do have to give them kudos for the "bag of meat" line Melanie Lynskey had as Rose. It was perhaps the most specific and cruel one about Charlie Sheen, I mean Charlie Harper, but it was funny and Lynskey delivered it expertly.
After that, I found a whole bunch of nothing going on. I suppose I laughed once or twice (John Stamos' story about a threesome with Charlie that continued after the girl with them passed out was amusing), but most of it just sat there. Fart jokes? Yeah, that's kind of what I expected from Two and a Half Men.
Ashton Kutcher has given strong performances in the past – I found him legitimately great on That 70s Show. But while I don't need a Kelso twin, I do think Walden is playing way too against Kutcher's strengths as, well, a big, goofy guy. Walden, at least so far, is morose and downtrodden, and Kutcher didn't bring any edge or spark to that, he just seemed kind of there. Meanwhile, it was hard not to notice that everything about how Walden was described (Handsome! Smart! Huge Penis!) seemed designed to boast how new and shiny he was, in a "Take that, Sheen!" move. Except he wasn't all that interesting for a us watching at home, even with the naked hugs.
However, I'm a non-fan of this show. Maybe this stuff all played incredibly well to the loyal millions who have made this show a massive success. But it's clear it's (still) just not for me.
Matt Fowler: Farts, genital warts, masturbation. Check, check and check. I must be watching Two and Half Men for the first time since I passively watched an episode a few years back while I was sick with the flu.
Hmmm, Alan's tenderly holding an urn filled with Charlie's remains. I wonder what's going to happen with that GIANT CONTAINER OF ASHES? Look, if it's not Night Court's Dan Fielding accidentally drinking herbal tea made of actual "Herb," I don't need to see any of this shtick again.
No, I'm not a fan of this series and I've been thinking, as of late, about whether or not I've just lost my taste for the multi-camera sitcom completely. But then I see a show like Big Bang Theory (oddly, also from Chuck Lorre!) still crackle with the cleverness, honoring the traditional TV format in the process and I have to both realize that the sitcom is a very easy genre to do horribly. Two and a Half Men is lazy and it always has been. I can't argue that it's not a popular show and that people from all walks of life, by the mega-millions, tune into watch the slow-burn degradation of Jon Cryer's Alan week after week. But this show is stagnant and mean and its popularity is inexplicable.
I won't go into depth about the funeral, or all the stunt-cameos that followed since Eric Goldman already did (above), but seeing Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson pop up as "Dharma & Greg" (another Chuck Lorre-created show) as potential house-buyers just showed me that this show was just looking for something, anything, to do to fill time. Oh, and guess what? Dharma and Greg are now in a miserable marriage. Isn't that hilarious? John Stamos actually kind of made sense since he was an early rumored front-runner to be Sheen's replacement. But please don't mistake "made sense" as "funny."
So, with all that being said, did Ashton Kutcher's Walden Schmidt (the beautiful billionaire drifter with the giant penis) give the show a shot of inspiration? Well, it's hard for me to say. He's a different character than Sheen's Charlie, for sure, but he's still just there to fill the role of "superior male who makes Alan feel awful." I didn't mind Kutcher playing a sort of lovable, low blood-sugar lug since it would have been way too repetitive to have had him be another lecherous douche. But as likeable as he is it doesn't change the fact that this show is ridiculously tired. This show could very well continue on its ratings climb and wind up devouring all other shows within its crushing, black hole-type gravitational grip, but it will be despite itself.
[Editor's Note: The score given to the episode is representative of Max's review only.]
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